This game called life.

When i was a little girl, i wanted to be a singer. I wanted to travel the world, meet the Backstreet Boys, rock it up with the Spice girls, get some tips from New kids on the block. Then i just wanted to leave Brunei, leave it to become a holiday home. Migrate to Australia and start my life there. Start my life in a place that no one knows me, no one knows my past, my family, they would just know who i wanted them to know. 

And now, being a thousand miles away from home. And besides the fact there are probably a few people who wont want me there, besides the whole judgment thing that i always get, besides the fact that sometimes i feel so caved in. 

Right now there is no better place i can think of but to be home.

My first few months of 2nd year has been an adventure. I've had to face lots of different things already, academically and personally. And i never thought i'd ever be one to say this but, maybe it does make a difference where you come from and how you were brought up, the people you surround yourself with. And for the past few weeks, i havent felt entirely myself. This student life, is definitely fun and full of new things to explore, the people are great and there are so many different people i've met here. 

But i miss connection.

I miss looking for a cafe to hang out just to talk for hours. 

I miss getting picked up.

I miss holding a decent conversation about something that actually matters.

I miss the mee goreng my maid makes. 

I guess these are the things that we have to go through, especially when you're spoilt as a kid. You kinda expect an 'emotional break down when facing the big bad world'. Haha. Im joking. I just miss having someone to talk to. 

Hope all of you are well.

You broke my heart, tissue won't fix it.

Yknow when that smart kid in high school studies a day before the biggest exam of year and still gets a B, when you've been slaving over the books for months. And how those fast metabolism people can eat anything and everything and not gain any weight. And how those beauties can wake up all messed up, with the disgusting make up you had on from the hard night before but still look absolutely stunning. You delude yourself in all that jealousy when really, we're just insecure about ourselves. 

And the thing i hate most is that the only time i ever feel like that is when i look at you. What do the rest have that i dont? I dont quite understand.

I'd like to say that i dont really want to know, but screw that. I do want to know. But i never, ever have the guts to ask you and i dont know why. I really dont understand the stupidity of the brain sometimes. Why do we complicate things that arent really complicated in the first place?

Nothing good comes easily, sometimes you've got to fight.

"I've felt single for God knows how long and i thought that there wasn't a single person on earth i'd ever feel this way for because that lowly bastard fucked me over. I haven't wanted to be a girlfriend for the longest time and i forgot how it felt to want to be with someone and be a part of their lives. But here i am and there you are and without doing anything, i want to be that person you call your partner, i don't want anyone to have you in that way but me. And for the first time ever, i really don't see why not. Do you?"

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

There is a difference between you and i. It is that if i do not love, i do not care. And when i love, i love whole heartedly, i love with passion, i attempt to love in ways that no one has ever shown love. I love in a way that others may not see, but you will feel. I learnt to love without words, without the need to shout it out because as my mentor once said to me anyone can say i love you, it's real love when actions speak louder than words. 

And when i do not care, i honestly do not care. I will not intrude in your life, i will not smile and pretend like i know you. I will be civil, but that is it. I will not feel the need to rant about the flaws i personally think you have. Because like i said, if i do not love - then i ultimately do not give a rats ass.

But dont get me wrong, i have my rants and there are times when i rant and i bitch like any other human does in the world. But this one, this one is specifically for you. 

You are indifferent to me.

Hi from 45!

Nush (our permanent resident), Carly and i!

Hello loves! I'm thinking of you!

The troubles of growing up.

“Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up.”

You know what sucks?

When you're walking down the street to the store near by just to get some chocolates cos your tummy is aching for something unhealthy and some punk ass kid, with his sweatpants and sports jumper, smoking a cigarette, underage drinking (at some ridiculous time like 5pm) yells across the street and says 'stop fucking polluting our country you chink'.

There goes the day!

And as much as i try to sabar, these chavs keep tickling my funny bone. And what sucks the most is this isn't my country, most people don't look, don't speak and don't act or think the way i do.

But then again i think of why and what i'm doing here.

First of all i'm in "your" country, half way round the world from my comfort zone - for what? to further my education to ensure my family and my unborn children that i'll be able to support them on my own. And what are you doing?

a) you obviously have no sense of style whatsoever, though i'm guilty for wearing sweatpants - they should be left at home.

b) if you want to drink when underage, at least be smart and do it somewhere cops can't find you.

c) at least "we're" using your awesome facilities for something.

People are so fucking ridiculous sometimes. Yknow when you can put yourselves in other peoples shoes and understand why they are the way they are? Racism is something i really can't understand. Underneath it all we all have eyes, hearts and souls.

The only difference between the racist and the not is that we actually use our brains.