Strawberries.

"A german boy doesn't cry"

We watched a german flick today, set back in the day when women were suppose to be scared of their husbands and when the world cup was on. To be honest, it was all a bit of a snore but the concepts were good. Dear old pops comes back from Russia and meets his kid for the first time, and what does he do? Whack him for the lifestyle he's been leading while daddys been gone. All a little too harsh for my brain and heart right now. Makes me wonder why all the foreign flicks we watch on tuesdays have to be so damn deep. Aren't there any light hearted romantic comedys in germany, italy, russia etc?

Maybe that's why when studying film, the american industry isn't particular a favourite (except it kinda is mine) because though hollywood can make amazing movies like the notebook, crash and pearl harbour - you could argue that these flicks are one in a million and the rest is bubblegum, predictable and repetitive stories with different stylists and characters. But after 4 weeks of watching heartbreaking foreign pictures, I know why my favourite industry is the american one.

Because kids grow up, life gets difficult, people walk in and out of your life. We have bad hair days, fat days and just horrible days in general. Why form another bad picture to watch?

But hey, no one ever said I'd like everything I watch on this course. Guess that's what makes this course that much more interesting. No its not just about watching films and jotting what you remember on paper. Its about seeing other people through anothers eyes. To completely lose yourself in a piece that someones spent months, maybe even years making. Its about ripping those goddamn theories into pieces and making it your own. I learn more and more about myself as this degree gets closer.

Its times like these I realize how lucky I am to have parents that don't mind a slightly odd child in their lives. Thanks folks.

"If he can't handle me at my worst, then he doesn't deserve my best"

There are a few things in this dating limbo that i don't quite understand. Men, sometimes cleaning up a little bit isn't so tough - and also let's remember the only time you don't have to feel the need to impress is once you've actually gotten the girl. It isn't funny or cute if you let one rip on your first few dates, that's just rude. Women, stop freaking out whenever he does something nice - he may just want to be nice, when has anyone ever complained about getting flowers? they're nice, no?

I don't exactly know what i'm saying, i've just been questioning things in head. Why do people act all crazy when it comes to dating or dare i say, the r-word?

some key examples would be from relationships i may have seen, been in or encountered. But in the end, we all do it. yknow the beginning, when you dont know if he likes you or if you like him even. You send messages attempting to be flirty, and you question everything! when he gives you an 'x' in the end, does he do it to everyone? or is he flirting? the accidental graze of the arm and you wonder 'was that really an accident?' or when you do actually start a relationship, things start to change slightly. You don't do as much 'couple-y' things as you did during the honeymoon stage, You dont feel the need to wear as much make up, and its okay to wear sweats infront of him sometimes and because of that, his eyes start to wander a little bit (or so you think?) and then the arguing starts, all the little fights are mainly all because of your (and/or his) insecurities. Then somewhere along the way, something messes up and all of a sudden your a complete wreck! Crying at least twice a day, once when you see something that reminds you of him (which is usually EVERYTHING at this point) and another time before you sleep, ben & jerrys become your best friend, and your actual friends are all of a sudden talking jibberish "You'll find someone else" "It takes time.." "He never deserved you in the first place" "You're still so young" and the classic "There are other fish in the sea". And soon enough you do get back on track and that ex will just be a memory. Doesn't that sound all too familiar? And all too damn repetitive?

I was catching up with Carrie and the girls (Sex and the city, fyi) and it made me think. Whatever happened to romance? I mean, my parents have been married for years and years now, they still go on dates! They buy each other gifts, my momma brings my dads coffee up before they sleep, my dad brings my mum out to the pictures and they always wait for each other to have lunch. And i'm pretty sure they were both disgustingly romantic when they first dated. So if my own parents can keep romance alive after so long, what happened to the people i've been seeing?

Taking into account that nice things have done, i'm not completely cutting that out. But call me high maintenance, but i reckon from now on end i will only question when you are not doing nice things. I look back now and think, no we should have spoken at least once a day and no we are not going to brush it off, we are talking about it now. It's simple really. In order to keep the fire burning, the two in the relationship must make the effort to keep it going. And if we're lucky, we won't even have to make the effort at all - it'll be like second nature. Distant or close, young or old - we all need a little bit of romance in our lives.

We are young, and we only deserve what we are worth. The best.

Affair of the heart.

They say when a door closes, another one opens. But when is opening that other door too soon? And what if the closed door was never really a door but, a flight of stairs? A stairway to the door that opens? Hmm. Don't metaphors tickle the brain. Tickles so much sometimes it hurts.

And when is it too soon to be happy again? 5 years into the worst heartbreak of your life? Even if you were just a kid, a heartbreak is a heartbreak. 8, 19, 55 years old, all hearts ache and break the same. Don't they? And when they do break, and you finally find someone that calms all thunderstorms just by the sight or sound of them - it's normal to feel unsure about why it feels too good to be true right? I'm not really sure to be quite honest. It's been quite awhile since everything seemed to be smooth sailing.

So should we sit here and contemplate? Ripping each other and trying to dig in to big dark secrets? Finding flaws in one another or finding that annoying thing that could maybe be the doom of any sort of relationship? Or should we sit, relax a little and not stress so much, even if it is illogical in some minds, but if it makes perfect sense in yours - then it's okay right?

And it doesnt mess with any other factor in your life, or the decisions you make. You live just the same, hang with the same people, go to the same classes, spend hours on the next thing to prepare for tomorrows class - the only difference is happyness is just there. Just waiting for you to want to look over and say hello.

So, what do you do? Say hello? Or stay here, in the past - confused all the time, thinking of other selfish peoples wants and needs or do something for yourself for once?

I think i'm going to say hello, and never - ever look back.

Hello (:

Inspire.

And i wonder why bad things happen to good people. Why bad things happen to the best of people? But at the end of the day, it makes us stronger. Makes us wiser. Makes us think. What could we have done differently? To be better human beings in general. But with that said, the saying "What can't kill you, make you stronger".

I will not say that you will feel better today, tomorrow or the week after. I will not tell you to be strong, although you already are. I will not cover the pain with sugar coat. But i want you to know, that i am here. Next door when you sleep, and a phone call away when you need anything. You are not alone, and you will never have to feel lonely. 45 is here.

With that said, it makes me sad that there are people at home, SG, KL, everywhere around the world that i wish i could be there for. I hope you know my prayers are constantly for you, your health and happiness. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Be safe my loves.

And it's true, i adore you.

And this is what i wanted, for the new year to begin with nothing but awesome feelings. The butterflies, the fireworks, the fairy lights at night, the sound of silence when it's needed. With a few minor problems during the first few days, there is nothing we can't conquer. Because you and i? You know what we are. We are alive.

It also makes me giggle and sometimes frown, why people take simplistic things to heart? Why people can't just, let go of the used to be's and the could'ves and would'ves. It's one thing to think it, it is also another to think about it way too much and let it effect your life, and flatline. Don't flatline. You know why? Because we are alive.

Because behind every mask, every face, every inch of skin. There are scars, some more than others, some considered worst than others - but despite cause they are all scars. All hurt just as much as the other but in a completely different way. Pain is complex - to get over it is difficult. But happyness? It's simple. It's free. It's beautiful. It makes you feel alive.

And despite my younger (and stupider years) and my silly ways of thinking. Here i am, here we are.

Alive.

I've got so much love.

twenty ten.

All i can say is that i needed that holiday. And twenty ten came with a BANG. Feelings unfolded and my thirst to live was renewed. Being content was never my thing, not right now anyway. And i don't want to flat line anymore, i don't want anyone or anyone around me to feel like its okay to beep constantly at this day and age. We are young, we were born to live great!

To be quite honest, i'm worried and i'm scared to what the new year holds. But whatever it is, i'm grabbing it by the neck and i'm not gonna let you down - not anymore. Not this year.

Just like every year, this year is ours!

When in Greece.

I had no doubt in my mind that Greece would be beautiful but never did i think soul searching was part of the holiday.

I realized that the past year and a half, i've been living life day to day, content and not trying new things. Life was never miserable but it was flat lining, i'm only 19 years old. How can life stop being exciting NOW? Isn't this suppose to be the beginning of something great? Of course there is uni, but as important as that is - happiness is too. Excitement, adrenaline. These are the feeling we live for, the process of the whole thing isn't suppose to be mundane and dull.

For the first time in a long time, i've met new people that i can completely click with - the best part is i have these girls who i've known forever to experience it all with me. And this break, this is for me. For no one else. And it took me a very long time to even be able to say that. Everything i do and everything i've ever done has always been with the 'how would he/she feel about it?' feeling and this time, nah. This time, this is for me. And i'm glad that i'm doing this, i deserve this and i'm not going to let anyone make me feel like a selfish prick for it.



I don't know what i'd do without girls like this.